Company Worker Gets Raise, Walks Out

Local Sandwich Shop owner, John Doe, recently moved to Greenwood from California. Doe said he has worked in human resources off and on for 15 years in the restaurant industry. Adjusting to employee behavior in the Delta has been difficult, he said.

"Within five months of being here, I've had three cooks walk out on me. This was after I had either increased their hours or given them a raise - or both - because they were doin' a good job. It's hard to find good employees here," he said.

"The third time it happened - yesterday - I stopped LaQuincia in the parking lot and said, 'Hey! What's wrong? I gave you a raise. Was it not enough?' And man, she went off on my a**," Doe said.

The employee went through a five-minute laundry list of various government benefits, such as childcare, healthcare and subsidized housing, that she would lose if she earned more money. Doe said she acted as if he was trying to bankrupt her.

"I apologized and offered to take it back," he said, "but she stormed off. I guess I've learned my lesson."

Minimum Wage Worker Can't Copy Paper, Can Reproduce

An Area Woman employed at Generic Company in Greenwood, MS refused to run off restaurant menus this week when asked by her supervisor. She is currently out on maternity leave.

"I was flabbergasted," said Supervisor Sue Diggs, who is not from the Delta. "I simply asked her to copy one side of a sheet of paper, run it back through and fold it in half. She said, 'Oh, I can't do that,'" Diggs said.

Diggs then offered to teach Area Woman how to use the copier. She refused, continuing to assert her inability to learn.

Diggs has consulted Child Protective Services.

"If this woman is mentally retarded, she does not have any business being placed in a customer service position, much less bearing the responsibility of raising a human life," Diggs said. "I am very concerned. Children deserve a good home with mentally competent parents."

Management of Generic Company says the Woman was mentally capable of performing the duty for which she was hired.

Diggs disagrees. "You can't just blame it on laziness. What kind of a lazy person insults herself in efforts to avoid work? Does she honestly believe she can't learn to copy paper?"

A Child Protective Services spokesperson would not comment. Area Woman could not be reached. Sources says the Woman will give birth to her third child in August.

Bum F--- Egypt Discovered in Miss. Delta

National Geographic May Come to Film Documentary of Excavation

The long lost city of Egypt was discovered Tuesday by a Chicago woman on Highway 49 S. headed to Tchula.

Inez Green had never been to Mississippi before. She set out on a long drive from Illinois to see her cousins and was almost to Tchula when she briefly snapped out of her highway road trance to see a small green sign to her right -- Could it be? Egypt?!

She had discovered the un-promised land. The land of oppression. B.F.E.

"I had always heard about Egypt," Green said. "When I was in college, we had conversations about it. Like, 'Anybody goin' to Jackson's house?'

'Girl, you don't want to go out there.'

'Where?'

"That's way out there in bum f---- Egypt.'

But somebody would really want to go, so they'd say:

'So where is it?'

And they say: 'Girl, you gotta go all the way ... then pass the ... then cross over the ... take two left turns after the water tower ...' until your eyes 'bout glazed over and fall outta your head. I never dreamed I'd finally get here!"

Experts are hoping to find a myriad of locations within Egypt. Researchers are looking for Bob's car, your cousin's trailer, Jeremy's late night, the keys you lost your junior year, Vito's Towing Service and the Spanish building, among others.

Woman Nearly Dies of Shock from Good Service at Greenwood Restaurant

Susie Smith, 49, was taken by ambulance from Joe's Eat Palce to Greenwood Leflore Hospital at 12:30 p.m. Monday but is currently in stable condition.

Smith “apparently suffered from cardiac arrest due to shock but is in stable condition in the ICU,” said hospital spokesperson Jane Doe. Smith will hopefully be released by the end of the week, Doe said.

Smith's daughter, Susan Jones, was dining for the first time at Joe's with her mother when Smith became ill. Joe's opened on Park Avenue in January.

“It was after that third water refill that she broke out in a cold sweat,” Jones said. “I thought she was just havin' a hot flash. After they brought the extra side of Ranch out in less than 20 minutes, she started complaining of a pain in her left arm, but I didn't think nothin' of it. When they brought the check back split three ways with the appetizers on mine, she just fell out, and I called the ambulance.”

Joe's owner, Joe Mama, said he is sorry about the incident, but Joe's Eat Place, a Memphis-based franchise, will continue to pride itself on customer service.

“Joe's trademark is customer service,” Mama said. “We certainly don't want to cause our patrons psychological trauma, but we simply believe a waitperson should take a customer's drink order within 15 minutes of being seated and return with drinks within five minutes. We also believe in regular refills; giving customers their choice of side items and not picking them for them; not scrapping plates at the table; offering extra condiments; and splitting checks properly. When a customer asks a question, we never say no. We just think of Obama: 'Yes we can.'”

Jones said Joe's food was excellent, but she won't take her mother back to dine in.

“We're so used to getting bad service in Greenwood, we didn't know what to do with ourselves,” Jones said. “Mother usually tells her office that she needs a two-hour lunch break whenever we go out, because everybody knows you can't get in and out of a local restaurant in less than an hour and a half. I'm not sure she can take the trauma again.”

Local Christian Ladies Infected with Mysterious "Bone Poisioning" from Wing Shack

A homely group of elderly Church of Christ in God (COCIG) ladies were recently infected with what local medical officials are calling "bone poisoning" after eating a meal that residents refer to as the "Last Supper."

Of the 33 church members who ate at the Wing Shack on Park Street last Friday, 32 came down with symptoms of esophagus pain and dehydration and were immediately transported en masse by Black Hawk helicopter to Northeast South Mississippi Regional Medical Center.

The incident occurred after the group of women, festooned in church hats that represented every color of the visible light spectrum, ate a steaming platter of fried buffalo chicken wings, unaware that they contained bones.

One lady, whose daughter's Bat Mitzvah the group was celebrating, remarked, "We didn't know the wings had bones in them. We had eaten the whole platter by the time we realized they had bones in them." She continued, "These wings should have been individually labeled with bright yellow Post It notes that said, 'These wings have bones in them'."

By the time the platter of bony wings was consumed, the group had already retained Karl Moore, Esq. for legal services. Moore held a press conference from the front steps of the Wing Shack exactly seven minutes after the original telephone call was made to 911. Moore's remarks to the crowd, which consisted of two Wing Shack delivery drivers and a homeless man, were simple: "If there's no Post It note, bones go down the throat."

Although Moore's office is currently preparing the legal documents for this case, he did confirm that there are plans to file a $14,000,000,000 lawsuit against both the owners of the Wing Shack and the 112 Rhode Island Red chickens whose wings were ingested by the church ladies.

Local doctor Sandy Gupta, M.D. stated that bone poisoning is painful, but not life threatening. "The hardest part for these ladies will be when they have to pass the bones. My advice to them is to 'just grab a hold of something, bite your lip, and give it hell'."

The Department of State Health is investigating the case and should make results available within the next three to five years.

Best Citizen of the World Ever Honored by Ittie Beanie Voters League

Sunday's Greenwood Commonwealth featured a photo of state Sen. David Jordan awarding state Rep. Willie Perkins the Oustanding Black American Award on behalf of the Greenwood Voters League.

Inspired by this recognition, the Voters League of nearby Ittie Beanie instituted their Best Citizen of the World Ever Award, which they recently awarded to Roosevelt Smith.

Mayor Gloria Hill, who doubles as president of the Ittie Beanie Voters League, said Smith was without a doubt the most deserving candidate for the award.

“Six months ago, we began searching the universe far and wide for all outstanding citizens in the area of community service. About two months in, we found conclusively that there was no life on Mars and limited the search to Planet Earth,” Hill said.

“When we heard about what outstanding work Mr. Roosevelt did by personally digging the reflection pond for the new Emmett Till Memorial Park in Ittie Beanie, it brought tears to the eyes of our committee. Mr. Roosevelt was also nominated for organizing the Diabetes Walk right before he ran for City Council in 2005. When he didn't win the election, he had to take off some time to care for his sick mother. But as soon as she got well, he decided to serve the community again by running for political office and taking fruit baskets to all the elderly in his voting district,” she said.

Committee members who served on the award panel with Hill were Clyde Purnell of Purnell's Trucking Service; Evangelist Lateesha Gore of New Horizon African Methodist Episcopal Church; and Shaqueena Jones of Beauty, Bail Bonds & Brides.

Area Man Erects His Own Robert Johnson Sign

Billy Ray Patel, owner of The Golden Insect Inn, says the conflicting opinions of state Sen. David Jordan and local historians Sylvester Hoover and Steve LaVere regarding the life and death of blues legend Robert Johnson in Greenwood are of no consequence. He has erected his own sign next to the Insect, saying: “Legendary Bluesman Robert Johnson Screwed a Hooker on This Corner, as recognized because Billy Ray Patel and Leflore County said so.”

Patel said he became good friends with Honeyboy Edwards in the '80s when Patel gave him free hotel rooms whenever he wanted to cheat on his wife. Edwards spent many a night drinking Colt 45s and relaying stories to Patel about Johnson's favorite shack, once located adjacent to the Insect's lot, and the activities that occurred therein.

Patel feels that his sign about Johnson is the most important because it embodies the spirit of the blues. “The blues was about f-----ing,” Patel said. “How more authentic can you get?”